


Greasylocks

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Out of Character, Parody, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-04
Updated: 2007-07-04
Packaged: 2018-10-01 13:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10190753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Severus Snape sets off on an adventure to find the perfect bed...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Title** \- Greasylocks  
 **Author** \- SoftlySweetly  
 **Beta** \- The_Minx_17 who is made of awesome  
 **Rating** \- NC17  
 **Word Count** \- 1521  
 **Summary** \- Life is just a Slytherin fairytale  
 **Characters/Pairings** \- Severus/Lucius, Severus/Kingsley, Severus/Harry  
 **Warnings** \- Adult Language, Sexual Situations, Bastardisation of a Fairytale, OOCness, Crack!Fic  
 **Disclaimer** \- I own nothing but the plot line. The summary is ripped off an icon Potion_Lady uses (icon by treepretty_)  
 **Author's Notes** \- For Potion_Lady, those icons just prompted me into silliness. Enjoy this beautiful!

 

 

Once upon a time in a land far, far away – well, the Scottish Highlands actually – there lived a man called Severus Snape. His students called him Greasylocks, but they were impertinent little brats that couldn't wrap their tiny little minds about the art that was potion making, and the sacrifices that had to be made for that art. Namely, standing in fumes all day to create the perfect potion. Greasy hair and sallow skin was the price to be paid, and to be able to call himself a true Master of potions, Severus Snape paid it happily.

Well…not happily. You see, Severus Snape was not a happy man. He'd had a hard life. His father had been a drunk, and his mother spineless. He'd gone through school with no friends and many foes, and been paying for one stupid mistake since he was seventeen years old. But now that stupid mistake was dead – killed by the Golden Saviour Boy Who Kept Living Impertinent Brat Harry Potter – and Severus was free to live his life.

He had an Order of Merlin First Class (finally) and his name was known around the world as a war hero and a Potions Master. He had a comfortable job and an even more comfortable bank balance. 

But he had a very uncomfortable bed. A large, empty, uncomfortable bed.

And that was why Severus Snape was not a happy man.

When the war had ended, everyone had found partners and settled down. Except for Severus. He was still all alone and one day he suffered through his last third-year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw shambles-disguised-as-a-lesson. Telling the Headmistress he'd be taking a sabbatical – and inadvertently learning just what a kitty-threesome looked like – Severus packed his bags and left Hogwarts in search of a partner and a comfortable bed. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

The first bed he found belonged to Kingsley Shacklebolt.

Severus had bumped into Kingsley in Diagon Alley and they had started talking. After three weeks, Kingsley asked if Severus would like to see his bed. Well, when faced with such a beautiful, muscular man, whose voice, eyes and skin were all like molten chocolate; Severus only really had one answer. 

Their tongues battled for dominance, but Kingsley won out, possessing Severus' mouth and making him moan into the kiss. They banged into walls and furniture as they headed up the stairs to Kingsley's bedroom. Severus was _very_ excited, and he could feel that Kingsley was too. 

But then he saw the bed!

Barely bigger than a single, it reminded Severus of his dormitory bed when he was a student at Hogwarts. A practical, sparse bed for a practical, sparse man. Severus had rather hoped that Kingsley's bed would not conform to the rest of the Auror's house, but he was doomed to be disappointed. Although Kingsley's assets more than made up for his small bed, Severus couldn't fully enjoy the thick cock that slid in and out of him; he was too afraid of falling off the edge and onto the hard wooden floorboards.

Even though his climax was spectacular, Severus did not sleep that night. The bed was far too small and not at all comfortable – much too hard for his ageing back. So in the morning he packed his bags, thanked Kingsley for a lovely time, and went out to find a more comfortable bed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

The second bed he found belonged to none other than Lucius Malfoy, Severus' old friend. They'd formed an uneasy alliance in the service of the Evil Dark Lord Who Must Not Be Named, and another in their betrayal of him. Surprisingly, that had become a friendship of sorts after the war, and Severus had gone to see Lucius in the hopes of staying there while he looked for his comfortable bed.

After three days of very overt, very cheesy, flirting Severus gave in trying to ignore Lucius' advances and kissed the blonde man firmly on the mouth. It was a surprisingly pleasant experience, and when Lucius suggested they take it to his bed, Severus heartily agreed. A man as rich as Lucius was bound to have a comfortable bed!

This time, it was Severus' tongue that won the battle for dominance, and he mapped out the candy-floss taste of Lucius' mouth. They banged into walls and furniture as they mad their way up to the bedroom, and Severus closed his eyes as the door was opened to show him…

…the biggest, softest, most extravagant bed he'd ever seen. Satin pillows piled high at the head, and rich velvet curtains hung at each post. As he put a knee on the bed it sunk at least a foot into fluffy softness, and once he finally managed to (quite ungracefully) climb onto the bed, Severus felt like he were on a dingy in the sea. But still…soft was comfortable, he was sure of it, so he set to undressing Lucius. Even though he flung it to the side, the shirt didn't clear the bed, and Severus had to crawl three feet to retrieve the tube of lubricant from the bedside table!

Although Lucius' hot, tight channel rippling around him was wonderful, Severus was still not happy. He couldn't get a proper rhythm because he couldn't get a firm balance on the ridiculously soft bed. And though his climax was spectacular – and very loud indeed, he hadn't known Lucius was such a screamer – Severus did not sleep that night. The bed was far too big, and not at all comfortable – much too soft for his aging back. 

So in the morning, Severus climbed out of the bed, thanked Lucius for a wonderful time, and was on his way again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Eventually the end of his sabbatical came around, and Severus had not found another bed. He returned to the school so despondent that he couldn't even find the strength to hex the insolent little runt that yelled _'Greasylocks!'_ at him in the courtyard. 

Resigning himself to a life alone, Severus headed to his rooms and locked the door. As he turned to get a brandy, he spotted someone sat in the chair by the fire and cleared his throat in annoyance. The figure jumped up, and Severus rolled his eyes. Just who he wanted to see, the Golden Skinned Boy Whose Lips Needed Kissing And…wait a minute, that wasn't right. 

The Golden Saviour Boy Who Could Stop A Quidditch Match With Those Eyes…nope, not that one either. 

The Gloriously Sexy Boy Who Severus Would Quite Like To Shag But Doesn't Want To Admit…

"Uhm…Professor Snape?"

Putting aside his search for the right name of the boy – man – in front of him, Severus put on his best 'please die soon' face and turned it up to full force. "What do you want?"

"I…uhm…Kingsley said…and I wondered…the thing is…"

The Golden Saviour Boy Who Couldn't Form A Sentence. That one sounded about right.

"…I wondered if you…well I've always thought you were…pretty…sexy…"

Couldn't even form sentences and… "What?!"

Blushing, Harry ducked his head and stared at the carpet. "I thought you wanted to be alone, and you earned the right to what you wanted with what you did in the war. But Kingsley said you were dating and I wondered if you'd…well…want to date me?"

Severus shook his head softly, and fixed Harry in an even stare. "This is not a joke, or a trick?"

"No, not at all."

"Would you like to see my bedroom?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Severus was happy.

He was happy when he fell into the most incredible, amazing kiss of his life. Teeth and tongues and hot wet mouths coming together in perfect harmony, making pleasure and sheer exhilaration run through his body.

He was happy when clothes were shed and green eyes went dark with lust, black pupils dilating as Harry moved them onto his bed. Shiny white teeth and a soft, pink tongue began mapping out Severus' chest, licking and sucking and… _'Oh Harry!'_ …biting his pebbled nipples.

He was happy when he could return the favour, exploring the acres of tan skin that covered the petite, powerful frame of Harry Potter. He sucked at the dip in the small of Harry's back, leaving a mark before he spread firm buttocks, enjoying the contrast of pale and tan skin before dipping his head down and lapping slowly along the crease.

He was blissfully, life-affirmingly happy when he sunk inside Harry. Silky heat engulfed him, but better than that were the whimpers of need, the begging whispers to _'Kiss me, Severus, please kiss me'_ and the limbs locking around him and holding them together.

When he came, it was perfect, and as they shifted around on the bed to find a position they could sleep in, Severus smiled softly. The third bed he'd tried had been perfect – firm enough to support his aging back without hurting him, not too big and not too small either. But best of all, it came with his fairytale prince in it.

So, in the morning, Severus asked Harry if he'd like to stay in his bed forever, and when Harry said yes, they lived happily ever after.

The End.


End file.
